Without You
by celluloidtears
Summary: Post season one, so season one finale spoilers.  Other than that, you'll probably have to read to find out.  :
1. Chapter 1

**Alright, folks. Here's the continuation of Deceptively Complex. While it's not necessary to read that series first, it might be helpful in order to fully understand where the characters are coming from and, more importantly, what Jane and Maura's relationship is in this story. **

**This story, quite obviously, is Rizzles (or will be).**

**Jane and Maura are not mine… Trust me, it's actually one of the saddest things about my life right now. ;)**

-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-

It had been less than a day since the doctors had taken Jane off of her respirator, but to Maura, it felt like weeks. There had been seconds after the machines were turned off and before Jane's first breath of her own in days when Maura began to consider what life without Jane would be. Nothing. She had, in those seconds, definitively come to the conclusion that without Jane, she would have no reason to stay at her job or in Boston or anywhere near it. Without Jane, she knew she would slip back to the periphery of the human race. Without Jane –

And then Jane had gasped, even through her unconscious state fighting for air, for life. Angela had fallen into Frank's arms then rushed out of the room to Frankie's to tell him Jane was breathing on her own. Frank had moved to a chair by the window and dissolved into silent sobs. Maura didn't move, didn't blink. She remained standing, clutching Jane's hand to her heart, feeling Jane's pulse and reassuring herself that the heartbeat was all Jane's doing, that Jane was in there, somewhere, fighting.

When Angela returned to the room, she coaxed Maura back into the chair she had occupied since Jane was first placed in this room.

"Honey, it's ok. It's going to be ok. Jane's going to be ok."

Angela gently rubbed Maura's back, searching for a reaction in eyes that had been glazed over since they first rested on Jane lying prone and pale in the hospital bed. Maura briefly turned to Angela and nodded absentmindedly, and Angela's tears turned from ones of happiness to ones of concern for the woman they had all gladly adopted into their family.

The hours since then had seen Jane's color slowly return and the impressions on her face from the apparatus fade away. Angela and Frank had gone home to bed, and the floor of the hospital sat in heavy silence. Maura still occupied her chair next to Jane's bed. While she had been unable to touch the cool, almost lifeless skin of her friend before, now she couldn't seem to let herself lose contact with Jane for even a minute. Studies had shown that even when unconscious, patients could tell when someone was with them. Maura was determined to make sure Jane knew she was never alone.

Maura's thoughts drifted, as they had been doing so often since she and Jane had taken up residence in the hospital. In her wildest dreams, this was certainly not how she had ever pictured they would live together. Maura briefly acknowledged that, since the Incident, she had been doing more daydreaming than she'd probably done in the rest of her life combined. Was that accurate? She reasoned it most likely was, particularly if one discounted the years before she could read.

Mostly, she'd thought of Jane and all the plans and hopes she hadn't known she harbored for them. In them, that Jane would return her feelings was a given. That was the benefit of dreaming, she mused. Maura was not an outwardly romantically inclined person. However, as she sat thinking, fixated on the still face of the person she knew she couldn't do without, Maura realized, for the first time, that she did want the fairytale, as it were. Before Jane, Maura considered the idea of lifelong monogamy unreasonable. She was painfully aware now that she had no desire to start again. If anything happened to Jane, whatever secret hopes Maura had for the future would go with her. Until Jane, Maura had never seriously considered marriage or children. Perhaps she briefly had when she was with Garrett, but she knew now how childish that vision of her future had been. As her brain relished the free reign allowed by Maura's deliberate lack of control, every scenario was considered. Every ache and pain, every hardship faced together. The good times, too, of which Maura was sure there would be many, if past experience was any indicator, which she was sure it was.

While Maura hadn't slept properly in nearly a week, she now allowed herself to be lulled into a half-conscious state by the steady beeping of the machines monitoring Jane's vitals. Her breathing fell into the same patterns as her friend's deep, steady breaths. Empty amusement flitted across Maura's face as she realized how fitting it was, for her breathing to be in sync with Jane's, and she momentarily wondered if Jane stopped breathing, would she, too?

Minutes slid into hours, the hours into the time just before the sun starts to rise when the world is at its quietest. Reassured by being physically connected to Jane, Maura allowed her eyes to travel to the window. Angela had drawn the shade before she left, gently insisting that, even if Maura wouldn't go outside, at least she should be able to see it. Maura was grateful for the thought now as she allowed herself for the first time in days to consider life's constant passing outside of the hospital room. How long had it been? Four days? Five? She really had no idea. Did it matter? Ruefully, she realized it didn't. When had she become so tied up in another person that her life as an autonomous being ceased to matter? Again, she had no answer, and for once the uncertainty didn't bother her.

"Maura?"

The dry, hoarse voice echoed uncomfortably through the silence. Maura froze, sure the voice she had so desperately been waiting to hear was a figment of her imagination, that she had finally lost the tenuous grip she still held on what was real. Slowly, so slowly it almost pained her, she turned her head to face the woman she'd been keeping watch over. Nothing seemed to have changed. Just as Maura had finished convincing herself that she had, indeed, imagined the sound, she detected a slight movement behind the eyelids, felt a twitch in the hand beneath hers. The eyes slowly opened and struggled to focus in the dimly lit room. They finally settled on Maura. A pained smile hinted at the edge of dry lips.

"Maura," Jane croaked. It was no longer a question, but a statement, a statement of what Jane hoped and somehow knew she would find when she finally fought her way through the fog.

Maura struggled for long minutes to find her voice, realizing she hadn't said a word in perhaps days, though she couldn't be sure. When a look of concern began to work its way onto Jane's face, Maura reacted, determined to keep any unhappiness or worry from Jane that she could.

"I'm here, Jane. I'm here," she managed before she broke down, tears falling for the first time since she watched the bullet force its way through Jane's body. Deep, violent sobs ripped through her as she fell apart, her head buried in her arms on the side of Jane's bed. Slowly, painfully, Jane rested her hand on top of Maura's head, stroking her hair as best she could even though her unused muscles cried out in protest.

With each pass over Maura's hair, Jane felt herself returning more and more to her body. She took stock of each sharp pain, each uncomfortably stiff muscle. When she realized that the aches and pains were too many to concern her first waking moments with, she turned her attention back to the sobbing woman beside her. Though she'd been able to feel Maura there with her, somehow, even in her unconscious state, Jane felt a profound sense of relief when the first thing she saw was Maura. Being awake was nice enough, but having Maura be the first thing she saw? Heavenly, Jane inwardly smirked.

Jane felt tears welling up in her eyes and fought to keep them back. She didn't want to worry Maura, and they were happy tears that she didn't think she had the wherewithal to explain right then. Instead she concentrated on the warmth emanating from the place where Maura leaned on the bed, focused on the smooth, soft hair beneath her hand. Though tired, she noted her friend's condition, her lack of designer clothes. Jane noticed that Maura smelled different, too, devoid of the faint mix of shampoo and perfume that usually wafted around her in intoxicating waves. Jane decided to take it up with Maura later. Later, she would thoroughly scold Maura for not taking care of herself. Now, though, she could already feel the pain medication and weariness overriding every desire she had to stay awake to be with Maura. Jane struggled to communicate one last time before falling asleep.

"I know," she sighed contentedly and slipped into sleep, her hand dropping to the bed next to Maura's.

Maura finally calmed herself, wiping the tears. She could feel a smile beginning to work its way onto her face, though the muscles there felt rigid after days without use. When she had collected herself, she rose from her chair and walked over to the phone beside Jane's bed. As she waited for the answer on the other end of the line, she pushed the button to page a nurse.

"Hello?" Angela groggily answered.

"She's awake. Jane's awake."

As she listened to Angela burst into grateful tears and rouse Frank, Maura laughed. As foreign as it sounded to her after days of silence, it felt good. Her joy bubbled up in her and by the time the nurse arrived, the usually perfectly composed Dr. Isles had dissolved into a very unladylike giggle fit.

"She's awake," Maura managed. "It's going to be ok. She's awake."


	2. Chapter 2

**Hello, all! I can't believe the response to the first chapter of this story; you are all far, far too kind. :) I'm working on this as fast as I can, I swear, but my schedule is disgustingly busy right now. I'm hoping to keep up doing at least a chapter a week… I hope. Fingers crossed and all that.**

**Thank you to all that have been leaving reviews; they seriously make my day. Also, if anyone's on twitter, you should come and find me at celluloidtears. I can always use the distraction.**

**All that said, once again, Jane and Maura are still not mine, and that breaks my heart a little.**

-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-

A week had crept by since Jane had woken up. The first few days she drifted in and out of sleep frequently, her body still struggling to acclimate itself to its new injuries. During her bouts of consciousness, Maura explained the extent of the damage, taking the opportunity to return to her Google ways after a much needed respite. Maura explained to Jane the path the bullet had taken through her body, the muscles it had injured, and how it had punctured one of her lungs, causing, along with her significant loss of blood, the bulk of the medical complications. Even as she found comfort in the way the medical terms rolled off of her tongue, Maura felt the cracks in her composure threatening to widen. It wasn't just a body she was talking about, it was Jane's body. They were Jane's muscles, Jane's veins, Jane's organs, and needing to make the distinction shook her.

During one such session, Maura, hindered by exhaustion, found tears making their way down her cheeks as she explained how the muscles the bullet had penetrated would mend themselves. Despite her hazy state and the M.E.'s attempts to hide it, Jane picked up on Maura's distress and motioned her closer to the bed so she could take her hand. Gently running her thumb over the back of Maura's hand, Jane gave her a crooked, slightly loopy smiled.

"Hey, knock it off."

"I'm sorry, it's just… I almost lost you."

"Couldn't if you tried," Jane said, looking up from their clasped hands to the tear-filled eyes of her friend. Maura met her gaze with a hint of accusation.

"What if _you_ tried?"

"I deserved that," Jane sighed, dropping Maura's hand and turning her head away from her to look out the window.

"I'm sorry, Jane." Maura took Jane's hand again, wrapping both of hers around the detective's larger one. "You _don't_ deserve that. At least, not until you're better," she said with a wink. Jane turned back to Maura, smiling tenderly at her. For a moment, they were content to be silent, to take pleasure in the simple act of holding hands, enjoying the warmth of the contact. Jane gently squeezed Maura's hand, earning her one of the M.E.'s brightest smiles. She brought Jane's hand up and softly kissed her knuckles, then brought their hands to her chest. "Jane, if you had – "

" – But I didn't," Jane interrupted. Maura started to open her mouth to speak, but Jane cut in before she could. "Look, I know it doesn't make a whole lot of sense. I get that. I'm too tired to try to give you the whole thought process that led to my actions, but I can tell you this: People I loved were in danger, and I had the opportunity to stop the guy whose fault it was. I took it. Simple as that."

"You have a terrible martyr complex," Maura stated, cocking her head. Jane burst out in explosive laughter, quickly cutting it short and grabbing her side as pain ripped through her. Maura was at her side instantly, pulling Jane's gown up to check the bandages. Jane weakly tried to swat her away.

"Hey, you mind? I'm kinda naked under this extremely elegant hospital gown."

"Jane, please. I see naked bodies every day."

"Not mine."

"Well, no, I…" Maura stammered as she felt the blush rapidly rising in her cheeks. "Nevertheless, let me check."

"Can't a nurse do it?"

"Honestly, I'm right here." Maura briefly glanced at Jane and smirked, "Besides, I promise not to peek."

Jane felt her own cheeks flush to match her friend's as Maura's gentle hands ran along the skin next to her bandage, carefully lifting the edge to check Jane's wound. Satisfied nothing had torn, she pressed the tape delicately back down and placed the gown back around Jane. Once she had Jane tucked back in, she laid a cautious hand on her friend's stomach and looked back to Jane's face. Jane's gaze was direct, intense, and Maura's breath caught.

"Did I hurt you?" Jane shook her head.

"No… for someone who works with patients who can't complain, you have a ridiculously soft touch." She put her hand over Maura's. "It's… nice."

"I'm glad you think so," Maura said quietly. Maura's words slid over Jane like a caress. Her eyes shut, and she inhaled deeply, noting that Maura once again smelled like herself. When she opened her eyes, she found Maura smiling at her in the way she knew was just for her.

"You smell like you again."

"What?"

"You went home while I was sleeping, didn't you? When I woke up the first time, you smelled… different. Now, you smell like you again. It's comforting."

"You're extremely observant," Maura struggled to keep her voice from trembling, touched and confused by the fact that Jane would notice something as subtle and, frankly, intimate as the way she smelled. Jane grinned at her.

"Well, I _am_ a detective." It earned her a quiet laugh, and Jane felt a sense of peace settle around her. Even prone in a hospital bed, Jane reflected, as long as Maura was within reach and happy, all was right in her world. Jane shifted uncomfortably as a shock of pain radiated from her wound. Maura's smile melted to concern.

"Do you need more pain medication?"

"No, no, not yet. That stuff makes me sleepy."

"You need the rest."

"Please, Maura, not yet."

"Alright."

Jane sighed contentedly. Maura stepped closer and leaned down to place a kiss on Jane's forehead. As she pulled back slightly, Jane tipped her head up to catch Maura's eyes. Maura hesitated as she felt her breath mingle with Jane's, their proximity offering no alternative. Maura placed her hand along Jane's cheek, her eyes dropping to Jane's mouth. She followed the path of Jane's tongue when she nervously wet her lips. Maura met the brown eyes that intently looked into her own and saw what she hoped shone in hers: adoration, want, anticipation. But now wasn't the time. Maura smiled at Jane again and stood up, walking over to the window to find some much needed space.

Jane let her head fall back into the pillow, her mind spinning. She hadn't been able to remain conscious for any extended period of time. Well, actually, it was more that Maura wouldn't let her, pushing pain medication on her at the slightest twinge. It worried Jane initially, but Maura assured her that she was being kept well within the safe dosage. Maura, in her roundabout way, had explained that, no matter what, Jane would experience withdrawal symptoms when she switched to pain pills, then succinctly stated that they would deal with it when they got there.

They. Jane was well aware that Maura was at the hospital far too often to be maintaining her usual work schedule, too. She'd finally asked Korsak about it one night when he came to relieve Maura from duty so she could go for a walk and get some dinner. He didn't know the details, he only knew there was a temporary replacement M.E. Jane resolved to ask Maura about it when she was able to stay awake for longer than fifteen minutes. Jane had then asked him about the time before she woke up, remembering how strained and almost sick Maura herself looked when Jane first saw her.

Though he teared up while doing so, Korsak had related the doctor's own nearly comatose state, how she had refused to return home or leave Jane's side. He had gone to Jane's house to get Jo and pack a bag of necessities, half out of an effort to convince himself she would need them, half out of needing to do something. A nurse had then coaxed Maura into the bathroom, helping her change out of the blood stained dress into some of the clothes Korsak brought from Jane's house and then helped her clean the blood off of her hands and arms. According to him, the first couple days had been the worst. Maura had barely eaten and only sipped coffee for lack of something to do. After the initial shock, Angela took up watching over Maura, making sure she took care of herself at least a minimal amount. By the time he was done, both he and Jane were crying.

"It was scary, Jane. Don't get me wrong, we were worried about you, but we knew you'd pull through," he smiled at her. "The doc, though… I've never seem someone like that. You know the saying 'lights on, but nobody's home'? That was Dr. Isles. Nothing in this world is eerier than seeing that big brain of hers just… stop."

Shortly after, Maura had returned. She smiled with confusion and then sat back down in her chair next to Jane's bed. Jane noticed that dark circles lingered under Maura's eyes and that her hair was a little less perfect than usual. She wore little make up, having trimmed it down to the bare essentials, most likely to cut down on the time she was away from her patient, Jane mused. Maura didn't look exactly runway ready. If anything, she looked sort of normal. It wouldn't have bothered Jane if she hadn't known how much pride Maura took in putting herself together every day. Jane couldn't help but feel guilty knowing she was the cause of Maura's self-neglect.

Jane had also noticed that, while Maura had always been affectionate, she was suddenly much bolder and gentler, all at once. She infrequently went longer than a minute or two without touching Jane, but, when she did, she did so as if she were worried Jane would break. It was frustrating. Confined to lying down as she was, there was hardly anything Jane could do to seek the contact she wanted. She hadn't quite figured out how it would work logistically, but Jane needed to feel Maura's arms around her. _It's hard to feel alive when you're lying in a hospital bed_, Jane thought. Jane knew Maura could fix that. The gentle touches healed Jane more than Maura would ever know; she could only imagine what her embrace would do.

It had felt like they'd been on their way to figuring things out before any of this had happened. Jane wondered how long it would have been before one of them would have given in. How long could they have slept next to each other and denied they needed it before one of them brought it up? How much would all of this set them back? Jane felt a headache coming on. As complicated as Maura's emotions about her personal life had been before, they were so much murkier with the static of the Accident surrounding them. Jane's thinking was cut off by another sharp spasm, one stronger than before. It caused a hiss of pain to escape from her lips before she had time to try to check it. Maura turned around abruptly.

"Jane…" Maura warned.

"You're probably right," Jane sighed. "Alright, hit me." Maura moved to push the button to release Jane's medication, carefully observing Jane's face as she did. "Be here when I wake up?" Maura smiled at Jane's childlike request.

"Of course."

"Thanks," Jane sighed deeply, slowly dropping off to sleep with a grin still on her face.

Maura turned back to the window once she had recorded Jane's dosage on her chart. Jane was healing quickly, all things considered, but Maura knew it was only a matter of time before her friend became impatient with the endless tests and monitoring and would want to go back to work. She wouldn't understand, until she was up and moving, how much damage she'd done, not only to her body, but also psychologically. Though there was a long, difficult battle ahead, Maura intended to be there, if Jane would let her be. There had been few protests from the higher ups when Maura came to them to ask for extended leave, particularly as she came armed with the file and contact information for a very competent replacement for herself. They'd agreed and let Maura off for "as long as she needed it." Everyone involved knew that really meant for as long as Jane needed her.

Checking first to make sure Jane was comfortable, Maura sat back down in the chair she'd now been occupying for the better part of two weeks. Settling in, she pulled a blanket around her, shut her eyes, and sought sleep. Yes, she'd be there when Jane woke up, ready and awake to talk or entertain or simply be there. Whatever Jane needed from her, she would give. Now, though, was a time for sleep.


End file.
